I was talking to an old friend the other day and he said to me that to be alone was a state of mind! I argued, No it is not! You see if u take a sentence like: the old man sat sad and alone on the bench next to his wifes grave! We see that, “old” is a state of mind, becuz it is an opinion.
However, the man is sad and alone, it is a fact that he is alone due to his wife’s death and it is a fact that he is sad!

Now my friend then argues, that it is a choice that the man was alone… I argued, no its not,
Simply because of the fact thhat he may not have had children- due to a health condition, and that he was too sad to get over his wife That he simply does not want to be with anyone else!

I am alone….. Sad and alone like the old man…. I’m not old. I’m not male, and I’m most certainly not sad due to any loss what’s so ever. Although you could say it was a loss, a loss of dignity, selfworth, pride in myself, a loss of hope or any faith in seeing further progress In my circumstance. I’m at a loss for words to describe my pain, the anguish and depression that this loneliness has brought. Now each time I’m hurt, (which seems to be a lot lately) I start to find myself thinking or saying, leave me alone. Like I actually find that pain More comforting than the pain of hurt. Then afterward I regret it.

The reason I find myself alone is because I think I give too much, now people are just starting to take advantage. My own father even springs to the opportunity of giving me second best option. Some “good friends” of mine. Actually have the heart To leave me second best in terms of their time. Say if I have a fight with my mother, I can’t call anyone I find myself alone, crying into my pillow, Wishing that I had a true friend in the world, becuz I know if I called up one of these genuine people it would go somthing to the effect of, Oh I’m with my bf -i’ll call u later. Then I find later actually means “I’ll think about calling you sometime next month” And it irritates me! Becuz u truely believe that I’m worth more than they’re all giving me. I’m alone because I’m the only one that thinks that.

The whole world can’t be wrong, so is second best all I should settle with? Even if I am giving it all my best do u think Alone is better than waiting for the best to come my way. And that’s the reason I’ll die alone. Becuz every male being in South Africa seems to think that he is worth more than the microsoft man himself! And I refuse to accept another person into my life that’s just going to take from me summore and leave me with no rewards?

Does that make me selfish? NO!! Does that make me want to cry!! Yes!!! Of course, but I suppose, being alone is the loneliest place for a reason Its the place where we as humans learn how to deal with depression, and anger….

I normally take a poop daily, occasionally it’s like 1.5 days but usually I don’t have any issues. However I have not pooped in almost three days and I’m starting to get some pains in my stomach area. Yes I tried pushing hard and I’ve also tried relaxing, neither work. I think I know how Randy from South Park felt now. I want to take some sort of laxative but I have a big interview tomorrow that may last 1 – 3 hours according to the paperwork I received. I don’t want to be pinching cheeks for that long and possibly sharting during my interview. I do realize if something doesn’t give I may have a serious problem. Praying for a bowel movement…..

I have a muffin top, i am popping out of my pants I have stayed active and eaten healthy for over a year, I’ve lost 21 lbs only to gain it back as soon as holiday seaon hit. Why the fuck am I still fat??!!!!??????

Its all I think about now. Food, when to eat it, what not to eat. I am absolutely obsessed. I am fat, no plump, no fat, AWWWW forget it! I give up on diet and exercise. I’m none the better for it! I’m going to go dip into the company candy jar!!!

Shoveling snow sucks. Every time there’s a snow storm I got to dig myself out and clean my car off. There’s so much work to do before I even get to work. It’s cold and my back hurts. Nothing good comes out of a snow storm for me.